


Turn Me On

by appeuro



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Androids, Angst, Drama, Fantasy, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 03:30:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3752851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appeuro/pseuds/appeuro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As an android, Kyungsoo shouldn't love, but he does. As his creator, Jongin should know that Kyungsoo loves, but he doesn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 25% Loaded

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This fic is inspired by the song Trying to be Yours by FKA Twigs. The lyrics are in italics.

Kyungsoo sits beside the large window in his and Jongin’s apartment. The large mass of rectangular glass showcases the jagged skyline of Seoul, and although the rain has long stopped, the droplets of water cling to the clear glass. Like tear drops, they obscure Kyungsoo’s view. Everything a tad bit blurry, just a little bit sad. Kyungsoo lets out a sigh, one that encapsulates everything he wants to say but can’t, everything he feels but doesn’t want to feel. He raises a single pale fingertip to the cold glass, making to impress upon it something, anything, but he decides against it, instead resting his head against the frame, closing his big round eyes.

He closes his eyes to his world for a moment until he hears a beep coming from his cell phone, which is resting upon the coffee table made from metal and black glass. He crosses the vast space, bare feet making contact with the cold, hard floor before seeking solace in the warmth of the white fur carpet resting underneath the coffee table. He picks up the white device from the glass table and opens the text message from Jongin.

> I’ll be home late tonight. Work stuff. Don’t wait up. Love you.

Kyungsoo’s dark, round eyes mirror that of the glass behind him as he replies to the text message.

> Okay. Love you, too.

Kyungsoo never plans on waiting up, but he knows he will anyway. He always does.

As he sets his phone back on the coffee table, Kyungsoo surveys the room. He takes in its empty vastness, filled only with material items. Am I no better than any of it, he thinks, walking toward the chrome filled kitchen. He begins putting away the dinner he made for Jongin, scooping the sides into small plastic containers, putting the meat into larger ones. Kyungsoo made Jongin's favorite dishes because he heard of the great advancement they made at the company concerning robotic technology. Of course, he wished he hadn’t learned of the news through the television, but he wanted to surprise the man, his world, his everything. He pulls out a pad of paper, removing a single page, and gathers a pen out of one of the many drawers. He writes in neat handwriting,  _dinner is in the refrigerator_ , on the white parchment. He secures the page on the chrome appliance with a magnet and a lingering of the hand before walking back to the bedroom.

When he reaches the bedroom, he turns the dial so that the room is illuminated in a soft glow, giving the semblance of warmth. He quietly changes into his pajamas and slips between the covers, almost drowning underneath the various layers of their 1200 count Egyptian cotton sateen sheets, almost suffocating under the ultra-soft 600 thread count goose down pillow surrounding his head. And although he is surrounded on all sides, Kyungsoo can’t help but feel alone, can’t help but feel incomplete.

**_So Lonely_ **

Kyungsoo lies there, not sleeping, not even quite breathing. His chest rises up and down, but for what? He breathes for the other man, but he’s not here. Kyungsoo allows his mind to wander to Jongin but having done this so many times before, there’s really nothing left to wonder about. There’s nothing left to feed his imagination. But he wonders how it might feel to have someone think about him.

**_How does it feel to have me thinking about you?_ **

It’s almost three in the morning when Kyungsoo feels the familiar dip in the bed, the filling of the empty space, the filling of his heart. He feigns sleep, but they both know. Kyungsoo feels Jongin’s strong arms slip around his waist and a halo of kisses placed against the back of his neck. He tries not to cringe, tries not to give away that he knows. He squeezes the hand resting on his stomach in sync with the squeezing of his heart. He lets out a shaky breath before plastering on a smile he knows the other can’t see.

“Congratulations,” Kyungsoo makes out as he swallows back the lies for Jongin, swallows back the hollow apologies, the translucent excuses.

“Thank you. How did you…” Jongin says against the back of the pale neck in front of him.

“I heard it on the news…” Kyungsoo replies back, trying to keep his voice level.  _Don’t be mad, Kyungsoo._

“Oh…” Jongin trails off, arms loosening around Kyungsoo’s waist.

“I made you dinner. Did you see the…” Kyungsoo tries again, trying to pull the other man back to him. He can feel him slipping away.

“Oh, yeah. Thank you. That was really thoughtful of you, and it was extremely delicious,” Jongin says, placing a single kiss against Kyungsoo’s nape, and the smaller male sighs as he feels Jongin’s arms strengthen once more around him.

He turns to face the other male, eyes roaming over the beautiful dips and curves that make up Jongin. He doesn’t know why he does it, why he gives in. No, he does know why. Deep down, he really does. It’s partly because he doesn't have much of a choice in the matter. The other part is because he fell for the man, but why he fell so hard, fell so far from home, is still a mystery.

Kyungsoo allows Jongin to bring him in for a kiss, parting pink lips, and he closes his eyes because his black orbs mirror the window in their living room again, and he doesn’t want Jongin to know. He doesn’t want to see Jongin blurred and distorted by his tears, so he closes his eyes to preserve the image he has of him. Isn’t he allowed to keep a few lies of his own? Kyungsoo gives himself to Jongin like he does every night, despite smelling someone else on his bronze skin, despite knowing someone else has touched him here, and here, and here, despite knowing that someone else has touched his world. And Kyungsoo cries out Jongin’s name because he doesn’t know, hasn’t learned, anyone else’s. He falls for Jongin every time he hears his own name come from the plush lips above him knowing that out of the hundreds of names Jongin knows, he calls out his.

**_Come fill your gaps with people. I know no one._ **

And when morning comes, Kyungsoo pretends it doesn’t hurt. He doesn't feel a thing.

“Are you going to come in for your testing later?” Jongin asks as he kisses the smaller male on the cheek, putting on his nicely pressed suit jacket.

Kyungsoo nods, straightening the lapels on the black jacket, straightening his heart at the same time.

“Alright. I’ll see you then. You know where to go. Love you.”

Kyungsoo watches the male walk out of the door _. I Love you, too. You know?_

Kyungsoo sits down on the plush leather couch in the living room. He stares at the plasma television in front of him, the white wall behind it adorned with a large abstract painting. And Kyungsoo can’t help but identify with it. Jongin created him and yet knows nothing about him. Kyungsoo thinks back to the beginning.

+

“Beautiful. You’re absolutely beautiful,” Jongin says to the male lying before him, caressing the side of his face.

“Welcome to the world… Kyungsoo. Yes, your name will be Kyungsoo,” the male in the white overcoat muses, smiling down on the newly awakened android.

Kyungsoo stares at the figure looking down on him, his eyes focusing on the chocolate brown of his eyes. But then data starts flooding his vision with codes and numbers of all sorts, and he has to close his eyes because everything is overwhelming, the bright lights, the codes, the beautiful figure above him.

“Don’t worry. It’s okay. You’re probably seeing the firmware update that I've just confirmed to go through. You won’t see that again for a while. Come on, open your eyes.”

Kyungsoo tries again, the last of the code fading from his vision as he opens his eyes. He immediately searches for brown, his eyes locking onto them when he finds it.

“See? You’re going to be okay. I’m right here. Jongin is right here,” the figure says, his gaze directed warmly onto Kyungsoo, his soft hand caressing his cheek.

+

Jongin. Warmth. Kyungsoo pulls his sweater tighter around his body at the bittersweet memory, the beginning and end of his sanity, the blooming and wilting of his innocence.

He decides to read a book before he has to leave for his examination, and he loses himself to the words on the pages. He loses himself inside the fictitious world; he becomes the fictitious characters, and thinks is this as close as he will ever get to being human. He mimics their words, mimics their behaviors, their reactions. This is how Jongin taught him to acquire knowledge on being human, buying him books upon books, filling shelves on top of shelves of vast worlds. And in his pursuit, Kyungsoo has experienced the sensitivity of humanity, taking their burdens on as his own, crying for them because he knows many won’t, loving for them because he knows they can’t. He has learned how cruel humans can be but also just as selfless, and he wishes, he wishes to be human because maybe it’ll hurt less. Maybe loving Jongin will hurt less because as an android, he shouldn’t love at all, and that is what hurts the most.

 

 “You’re as good as new, Soo,” Jongin says, smiling as he disconnects the various wires and tubes from Kyungsoo's stomach. Kyungsoo wishes he can believe him, so he tries, feigning a smile as he buttons up his shirt.

“So, how do you feel? Have you noticed any changes?”

Kyungsoo frowns. He lives with this man, his world revolves around him, and he can’t even see the changes in the heart he created. Kyungsoo looks down before looking back up into those brown eyes, and he promises this will be the last time he lies.

“No. Nothing has changed. I feel fine,”  Kyungsoo replies, but his eyes are pleading with the other man, pleading for Jongin to call him out, to tell him he is lying.

“Great. We have a robotics conference coming up in a few months, and I’d love for you to accompany me.”

Kyungsoo can’t help but blush at the invitation, despite the realization that robotic conferences are the only dates they’ve ever been on. Kyungsoo longs to go to restaurants, the movie theatres, the beach, to visit all the places he’s read about. How can Jongin give him the world through books but only show him a fraction of the real thing?

**_You only want me in open spaces_ **

“I’d love to come,” he replies, taking what he can get.

“Great. We’ll install a few new patches before the conference, and you’ll be up to date,” the man says, a hand caressing the side of Kyungsoo’s face, a thumb grazing his bottom lip. But just as quickly, the hand is gone, and Jongin is turning to grab his clipboard. Kyungsoo sits there. New patches?

“Um… New patches?” he says, speaking up.

“Yes. I'm talking about the patches you heard about yesterday. We’ve progressed in the field of self-awareness and consciousness. We’re working on contextualization and applying that…”

Kyungsoo zones out.  _He really doesn’t know?_

Kyungsoo knows he is an android, that he isn’t human, and he also knows that he feels changes happening within him that aren’t initiated by Jongin and his various software updates and patches. But if feigning ignorance keeps him with Jongin, keeps Jongin looking only at him, he will continue receiving examinations and updates. If this is what he has to do to keep being Jongin’s, so be it. Kyungsoo shuts Jongin up by leaning forward and placing a kiss on his startled lips. Jongin kisses back briefly before pushing Kyungsoo gently away.

“Kyungsoo, we can’t do this here. You know that,” the male says sternly, but his gaze softens as he sees Kyungsoo's lip tremble slightly. “It’s okay,” Jongin says, taking Kyungsoo's smaller hands in his larger ones. “I know. I know. You just love to mimic the characters in those books, don’t you?” the other male says, smiling as he stands up from his stool. 

No, you're wrong. I’m not mimicking anything or anyone, Kyungsoo thinks, eyes shifting downward to hide his disappointment.

_I’m just trying to be yours._

 

 


	2. 50% Loaded

Kyungsoo looks forward to going to robotic and technological conferences. Although it is made obviously clear that he is as far from human as he will ever be when he attends one, people probing his body, asking him mundane rhetorical questions, it’s also the only time Jongin shows him off, calls him his, and he wishes he could be Jongin’s all of the time.

“How are you feeling?” Jongin says as they get dressed in their large master bedroom, Kyungsoo pulling on his expensive new shoes. “How are the recent patches integrating into your system?”

“Flawlessly,” Kyungsoo lies, the sinful words come easily nowadays, rolling off of his tongue like any other word. He promised himself he wouldn’t lie anymore, but he can’t help it. He’s learned from the best anyhow, Kyungsoo thinks. The patches have absolutely no effect on him, and their shared bedroom smells too much like the other person, and Kyungsoo is getting sick of it. If anything, he’d had hoped the patches would reverse something, break something, because Kyungsoo feels so broken already.

“That’s great, Soo,” Jongin says, fixing the android’s tie. "I love you, you know that?”

The words catch Kyungsoo off guard, and he almost falls for them, but Kyungsoo is tired, his system is tired, so he just nods in return and puts on the best smile he knows how. 

 

They arrive at the conference, and the hotel is filled with more robots and androids than actual people. Kyungsoo should feel right at home, but his home is next to Jongin, and next to Jongin he stays.

“Yes, this is Kyungsoo, model 13192091. Yes, he’s the first android I’ve ever built. He’s virtually human,” Jongin says, eyes sparkling, and Kyungsoo loves seeing Jongin like this, and it’s all because of him.

Of course, Kyungsoo has thought about becoming obsolete, other newer models taking his place, catching Jongin’s eye. He used to be saddened by it but he learned, from countless books, and stories, and fantasies, that nothing can replace your first anything, so he carries that knowledge in his pocket, and he takes it out every once in a while to remind himself that he is irreplaceable.

Kyungsoo bows and smiles at all of Jongin’s colleagues as they make their way through the conference. He allows them to prod and poke him, answers their questions of what is the thousandth decimal place in pie, what is the population of Borneo, and he does this all for Jongin. He looks over at Jongin feeling his brown eyes on him, and he smiles as he sees the pride radiating off of the other male. He wants to kiss the other male but knows he shouldn't, so he grabs his arm instead, pulling himself closer beside him,  basking in his presence. Jongin wraps his arm around Kyungsoo's shoulders, moving the appendage up and down as if to soothe the shorter male.

"You're doing so well, Soo," the male says in his ear. "Just a few more hours, and we'll be done." he adds, arm slipping as another male approaches. 

Kyungsoo stiffens at the arrival, his insides working overtime to calm him down. He knows that cologne; the smell is all over their bedroom, all over Jongin's clothes, all over Jongin. Kyungsoo's eyes darken, his lips pull into a tight line.

"Ah, Jongin! You've made it!" the intruder says, walking briskly toward the two males, smile a little too wide, eyes a little too bright for Kyungsoo's liking. 

"Yeah. I did! I wasn't sure since we've been so busy at the lab, but here I am," Jongin replies enthusiastically. 

"Oh, and this is Kyungsoo?" the other male says, eyes looking at Kyungsoo, smile widening.

Kyungsoo stares blankly at the male, not wanting to interact with him.

"Yes. This is Kyungsoo, model 13192091," Jongin says, beaming at the other male.

Kyungsoo bites back a twinge of the heart when he hears the numbers after his name this time. Why can't he just be Kyungsoo?

"Ahh, so this is the famous Kyungsoo," the male says, looking Kyungsoo up and down.

"Oh, Kyungsoo. This is Luhan, a colleague of mine from the university I used to work at," Jongin's adds, smiling as he watches Kyungsoo bow to the other male.

The male is beautiful, small face, large eyes, tall... No wonder Jongin... Kyungsoo is brought forcibly back from his thoughts by Luhan's lithe voice.

"Wow. Can I?" Luhan says, glancing at Jongin. 

"Sure!" Jongin replies, stepping away from Kyungsoo. 

Kyungsoo wants to cling to Jongin but knows he can't, so he just stands there, face blank. Luhan circles Kyungsoo, and eyes him up and down. He blinks back tears as the male touches him slightly, asking him if he can roll up his sleeve so he can pinch and prod at the skin. Kyungsoo doesn't want this man to touch him. Anyone but him... He knows he is being irrational, but he can't help it. Kyungsoo can't seem to help a lot of things recently. He had never known jealousy until Jongin started coming home smelling like someone else. He never knew what it was like to be nothing more than an android until Jongin started looking at someone else, started touching someone else, until Luhan. But things weren't always like this, always so sad.

+

"Why did you create me?" Kyungsoo asks, snuggling up to Jongin on the leather couch, fire crackling in the fire place, casting warm hues and welcoming shadows on their faces. 

"Hmmm... I've always loved creating things, even when I was little. I would tear apart my toys and try to put them back together. Then one day, I saw this robot on television and I thought, 'I would love to build those for a living'. So, I went to school, worked at a few places, and started working on my own project. I had built several prototypes before you, but none of them were sufficient. I wanted someone to call my own. I wanted someone just for me. So, I continued working nonstop, day and night, and finally, finally, you came into my life."

Kyungsoo smiled as Jongin walked his fingers up his clothed shoulder.

"You are everything I had ever dreamt of building and more. I spent day and night perfecting you because if you ended up being the only robot I had ever built, I wanted you to be the very best," Jongin adds with a single touch to the tip of Kyungsoo's nose.

Kyungsoo wrinkles his nose, closing his eyes.

"Will you ever build another android?" he asks, a slight pang of fear coursing through his body.

"Hmm... I don't think I can build anything better than you. You are years of research, sweat, tears, blood, and love. I don't think I could ever do it again. I don't think I want to anyway," the male says, wrapping strong arms around Kyungsoo's small form.

Kyungsoo lays his head on the other's chest, a content smile settling on his face.

"Why? Do you want me to, Soo?" Jongin asks into the other's hair.

Kyungsoo violently shakes his head no.

"Promise you won't?" Kyungsoo implores.

"I promise, Soo," Jongin replies with a chuckle.

"I only want to be with you," Kyungsoo says, eyes looking up, searching for Jongin's.

"And I only want to be with you," Jongin replies, eyes resembling that of crescent moons.

+

But that was then and this is now, two and a half years later.

Kyungsoo excuses himself from the other males. Luhan looks in aww as he walks away to mingle with other people, other androids. It's always fascinating for Kyungsoo when he interacts with others of his kind because Kyungsoo knows no two androids are alike. 

Androids are extremely popular, humans having recognized the android's ability to do things that they cannot or will not do. Most androids are built for a specific task or function, lacking social skills that do not pertain to their job. Kyungsoo is proud that he wasn't built with any special goal in mind other than to be Jongin's. He's not a walking lie detector nor was he built for just performing sexual acts; he was just built to be Kyungsoo, and that is what makes him special. Right?

Kyungsoo walks around the conference, not attracting too much attention because it's not obvious that he is an android. He tries to distract himself from thinking about Jongin and Luhan, but he can't help it. The image of the two of them laughing together has become imprinted in his brain. So, that's who Jongin gives himself to? What does Luhan have that Kyungsoo doesn't have? A soul? A real heart? Kyungsoo soon finds himself sulking, aimlessly walking around. He bumps into someone, eyes going wide at the collision. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Kyungsoo blurts out, bowing profusely at the person or android he has bumped into.

"Oh, no. It's quite fine. I'm sorry as well. I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking," the figure replies back, Kyungsoo meeting the big brown eyes looking back at him. Luhan. "Ah, it's you, Kyungsoo. Are you looking for Jongin?"

Kyungsoo wasn't, but he nods his head  _yes_  anyway.

"Hmm... I left him a few minutes ago near the lobby. We were talking about his newest android project and got carried away, I guess," the male says with a laugh.

"New android project?" Kyungsoo asks, eyes searching the other male's face.

"Ah..." Luhan replies, big eyes on Kyungsoo. "Maybe he doesn't discuss these things with you. However, yes. He had asked me to aid him with a new android he's building. You know, there has been so many technological advances in robotry over the past few years that..." the male continues.

Kyungsoo nods at the other male as if in a trance, not hearing a single word more of what he is saying. And Kyungsoo had never known heartbreak either, until Luhan. He's read all about love and heartbreak in books but not once did he think he'd ever experience such things, and yet here he is entangled and embroiled in both.

_You forgot how we fell in love_

"Kyungsoo? Kyungsoo? Are you alright?" the male asks Kyungsoo who is staring straight ahead.

Kyungsoo snaps out of his thoughts when he sees the other male waving a hand in front of his eyes, blinking back the blur in front of his face.

"Yes. I'm alright," Kyungsoo replies. "I had to initiate an emergency soft reboot. I apologize," Kyungsoo lies. More Lies.

"Ah, really!? Hmmm, that's odd. Here," the man says, pulling Kyungsoo by the wrist out of the room and into a secluded hallway.

Kyungsoo tries to feign ignorance as the man pulls out wires from his briefcase and unbuttons his shirt to connect them to his body. He stands perfectly still as the man assesses his internal state on the screen built into his briefcase. However, on the inside Kyungsoo is screaming, lashing, howling.  _Don't touch me_ Kyungsoo tries not to jerk away when he feels a warm hand caress his face as the man shines bright lights into his eyes, blinding him to the world for a moment. When the lights are gone, Luhan is still staring into his night colored eyes.

Kyungsoo stares back into the face, pretending he doesn't see, but he does. He sees the smooth skin, the supple pink lips, the big clear brown eyes, and he wonders. Is this what Jongin sees? 

"How are you feeling," Luhan asks eyes impossibly wider, and Kyungsoo thinks they remind him of his own eyes.

"Great," Kyungsoo says, lying again.

He feels terrible, he has for a while. And he thought love was supposed to be this wonderful, magnificent, life-giving thing, but here it was, killing him.

"Oh, okay... That's wonderful! But just in case, I installed a newly released hotfix for models similar to you," the man says, smiling as he parts Kyungsoo's shirt to remove the wires, his soft fingers brushing the pale of Kyungsoo's torso.

Kyungsoo bites back a sharp gasp, willing himself to stand still. "Thank you, Luhan. I'll be sure to let Jongin know," he says, bowing. He's unnerved by the way Luhan is staring at him, fighting back the urge to ask why, to ask what is he looking at.

"Don't worry about it. It's nothing major," the male says, still staring at Kyungsoo. 

"Do you have an android, Luhan?" Kyungsoo finds himself asking, not knowing exactly why.

"Oh... Not yet. I'm still building mine," the man says with a smile, packing his briefcase. 

Kyungsoo detects a hint of loneliness in his voice, a tinge of sadness that Kyungsoo hears in his own.

"Good luck, Luhan. Thank you for the hotfix," Kyungsoo says, fixing his shirt and blazer, moving to walk away.

"Ah, before you go, Kyungsoo. If you don't mind, here's my card. I'd love to see you again. Stop by the lab anytime. You don't have to tell Jongin. He knows I won't hurt nor steal you," the male says with a laugh.

Kyungsoo takes the card, eyeing the fancy black letter and _L_ emblem. Why is he being so nice? Is it because I'm just an android, Kyungsoo thinks, putting the piece of paper in his pocket. He bows once more, needing to leave, needing to get away from the man. He quickly walks down the hallway, not looking back, not even once. He wants to find Jongin, but his mind flashes back to Luhan's words of them discussing a new android, and Kyungsoo just wants to go home. He texts Jongin that he will take a cab home, that he'll be alright, and he'll see him back at the apartment.

> Alright, Soo. I'll see you at home. Love you.

Kyungsoo doesn't reply, his head resting against the window of the taxi cab, the Seoul landscape whizzing by his head.  _You promised you wouldn't make another one, Jongin._

Does it matter if you keep promises you make to androids? Do those kind of promises count? 

Kyungsoo walks into the empty apartment. He makes his way to the bathroom in complete darkness. He doesn't need light if he doesn't want it. He steps into the bathroom, automatic lights coming on, and he looks into the bathroom mirror. He stares at himself, eyes roaming over every pore, every hair, every everything, and he watches a single tear fall down his cheek. He watches it linger and cling to the bottom of his chin before falling onto the marble counter below. Kyungsoo looks human, he feels human, but he's still just an android. More tears join the other, but the tears bring him not an ounce of relief. 

Kyungsoo doesn't know how to comfort himself because he isn't supposed to be feeling these things. When Jongin is mad or sad, he takes a shower, so Kyungsoo turns to the shower behind him. But realization hits him that the water will probably kill him if liquid gets into the wrong place and Kyungsoo cries again, kneeling before the crux of his life, in limbo between human and non-human. And for the first time, he thinks he hates Jongin. How can you do this to me? How can you give me so much and not enough at the same time. You give me a body that isn't human, and a soul, and a heart, and you treat me as if these things aren't supposed to work, aren't supposed to feel.

He cries, but his heart, or whatever it is, a bunch of wires and gears, cry harder. Everything would be okay if you loved me, Jongin. I'd be okay if you'd just loved me the way I love you, and then I'd be content being an android, I'd be content because I'd be with you.

So lonely trying to be yours

Kyungsoo's mind flashes to Luhan. You want Luhan? I can love you better than Luhan. I'm better than Luhan, right? But he's human...  Then his mind wanders to the unknown new android. And you want to replace me at the same time? Jongin I... am I not enough?

_What a forsaken cause_

Kyungsoo looks at his face in the mirror. The tears continue to fall but his face isn't flushed red with blood, his eyes aren't red or puffy. If the tears weren't there, he'd look as he normally does. What are these feelings? Why? Why can't you see me, Jongin. I'm right here.

_When you're looking for so much more_

Kyungsoo runs out of the bathroom, socked feet sliding slightly on the polished floor. He runs into Jongin's study, hands flying to his desk, opening drawer after drawer, frantically searching for notes, manuals, whatever will tell him how to shut these feelings off, erase his memory, override his software, fix him. His hands grab at books on the shelves, scanning page after page. He even turns on his computer, searching for a folder named Kyungsoo, anything... Kyungsoo hears footsteps rushing toward the study, but he doesn't care.

"Kyungsoo, what are you doing!?" Jongin yells, watching in horror as Kyungsoo makes a mess of his study, papers littering the floor, books lying disheveled on the shelves.

"Kyungsoo? Please, calm down. Please, let's talk," Jongin tries again, staying at the doorway, too afraid to enter.

Kyungsoo, although human in appearance, is still an android composed partially of metal.

Kyungsoo ignores the man's pleas as he searches the place. He feels hot, but it's the most warmth he's felt these past six months, so he embraces it, his internal alarm warning him that he is overheating in vain.

"Kyungsoo. Calm down," Jongin tries again. "We can talk about whatever you are looking for. I'll give it to you. I promise."

Kyungsoo stills at the word 'promise' before resuming his frantic movements. Just when he feels as if he is going to pass out, he looks at Jongin, tears blurring his vision, and yells out to the other male. "Where is it? Where's my manual or whatever, Jongin?" he says, running over to a large filing cabinet, his tears falling as he realizes that the cabinet is locked.

Kyungsoo hears footsteps approaching him, but he continues to pull at the locked drawer. "No, Jongin. I don't want to talk. Don't touch me. All I want for you to do is to... " he trails off, slumping to the floor, defeated. 

He feels strong arms envelope him, hot tears on the back of his neck. He closes his eyes as he musters one last thing before he initiates a self shut down.

"...turn me off."

 


	3. 75% Loaded

*A series of flashbacks/memories

+

"What's that you are reading there, Soo?" Jongin asks, sitting next to the smaller male.

Kyungsoo tells Jongin what he is reading before putting the book down, having just finished it as Jongin walked into the door. As an android, Kyungsoo can read abnormally fast, scanning and comprehending a page of text in less than ten seconds.

"Ohh, how is it?" Jongin asks, ruffling the younger male's hair as he is tugged down for a kiss.

"I want to be human, Jongin. I don't want to be an android anymore," Kyungsoo mumbles against the other male's mouth, eyes closed. He feels the other male still against his lips before recovering, pulling back.

"Don't be silly, Soo. You don't want to be human. Not in the least. Trust me," Jongin says, dismissing the android.

"Why not? I look human. Why can't I be human?" Kyungsoo implores, wide glassy eyes searching Jongin's.

"Because you're spared all the bad stuff. You're too good to be human, Soo. You're absolutely perfect as you are." Jongin says, hands trailing down the younger's face, brown eyes roaming over his creation. "And, you're mine," he adds softly before moving in for another kiss. 

During the first year he spent with Jongin, Kyungsoo learned through books that you can't own another human being, but you can own an android. Kyungsoo wants to belong to Jongin, so Kyungsoo believes that he is happy to be an android, Jongin's android.

+

"Ah, harder, please...." Kyungsoo pants against the pillow as the other male shifts, angling his hips. Kyungsoo's hands fist into the sheets as he feels things he has never felt before, his entire body feels as if it is on fire. 

"You feel so good, Soo," Jongin murmurs as he places butterfly kisses against Kyungsoo's lifted leg resting on his broad shoulder. His hips move rhythmically in and out of the smaller male as Kyungsoo looks up at Jongin with the world in his eyes. Kyungsoo whimpers as he hears his name.

_I'm your little love maker_

"Yes... m-more," Kyungsoo cries out as Jongin's throbbing cock touches something inside of him that he never knew he had before. His hands reach out in the dark for Jongin, and Jongin allows Kyungsoo's legs to slip from his shoulder as he leans forward so Kyunsoo can wrap arms around him, bring him close. And Kyungsoo comes in technicolor, fingers curling into the heated flesh of Jongin's arm. He opens his eyes to see Jongin cast in the prettiest shade of light blue, almost like a cloudless sky. And that is the moment when Kyungsoo's chrome heart became more than a humanistic decoration, more than an abstract theory, more than a hopeful experiment.

+

"I still want to be human, Jongin," Kyungsoo comments, sitting on Jongin's desk out of spite.

"Get down, Soo," Jongin says, tired. "I can't write with your metal butt on my papers," he adds, knowing that the lie, Kyungsoo doesn't really have a metal butt, would appease the male and hopefully change the subject.

"But... You're a genius. I'm sure you can figure it out. Please? Pretty please!" Kyungsoo begs, putting on the biggest show of humility and innocence he can muster.

"Soo, please," Jongin sighs. "Not right now." Jongin adds, pushing on the android, failing to budge him even an inch.

Kyungsoo slinks off the desk, hurt. Why doesn't Jongin want him to become human? He had just finished reading  _The Giver,_  and he wants to experience pain, fear, passion, and emotions in full clarity, in vivid vitality like Jonas. Kyungsoo feels but not as strongly as humans, he experiences things but not as humans do. He's so close and yet so far away. Can't Jongin just turn him on? Turn on the human inside of him, flip the switch?

And Kyungsoo also learns through books that he doesn't know the first thing about being human and that you should be careful what you wish for.

+

 

Kyungsoo opens his eyes, the last of his boot loader code fading from his vision. He feels weak, having almost short circuited himself earlier. Kyungsoo isn't made to withstand extremely stressful situations, so he is programmed to shut down during periods of extreme stress. How he even got to the point where the emergency valve needed to go off to warn him is a complete mystery. Pressing his head into the plush pillow, Kyungsoo allows the scenes from earlier that night to flood his vision. He's saddened and relieved at the same time. He is relieved that Jongin didn't turn him off, didn't kill him. Kyungsoo's insides churn at the thought of Jongin. He looks over to find the man in his thoughts slumped over the side of the bed, his laptop whirling, wires disappearing under luxurious covers.

_How does it feel to have me thinking about you_

He lifts a hand to brush back the strands of hair from Jongin's face.  _I'm sorry, Jongin._ Kyungsoo allows a tear to fall down his cheek as he watches the sleeping figure.

Quietly removing the wires from his body, Kyungsoo slips from within the covers. He turns off the computer and easily moves the sleeping body onto the bed, underneath the covers. He places a kiss to the slightly parted lips and dims down the light to a soft glow, giving the semblance of warmth. Kyungsoo dresses quietly, packing a small bag for himself before turning to look at his world once more before making his way down the hallway. He sits his bag near the door, as he walks to the kitchen. He quickly prepares a few meals for Jongin, stacking all of the containers neatly in the refrigerator. And he attaches a short note to the metal door, a note saying not to worry, before he walks to his favorite bookshelf. Kyungsoo grabs a few books and puts the bounded material inside his bag before turning back to his home, surveying the empty vastness, heart longing for the man in the bedroom.

I don't want to be just another material item, but if that is what I have to be to continue loving you unconditionally, meaning not loving you at all, then that is what I will do, Kyungsoo told himself. He walks out of the apartment building, embracing the cold air. The streets are slick with rain and the street lamps twinkle in the darkness. He waits on the curb like he always does when he goes for examinations, but this time he tells the cab driver to take him to a different address.

Kyungsoo steps out of the cab, eyes wide on the huge building before him. He's scared; he's confused, but he knows he has to do this. He walks through the glass automatic doors and asks the front desk to direct him to his destination. He watches the digital numbers climb as he waits for the elevator to stop. 28, 29, 30. The doors open to reveal an empty floor, and Kyungsoo figures most of the staff must have went home already. He walks down the hallway, eyeing the numbers on the plaques placed outside each door, and when he finally reaches the plaque that has the person he is looking for, he knocks and waits. Kyungsoo's vision becomes hazy, and the name on the plaque looks more like a blur. He smiles, however, when he hears the handle turning, the door opening to reveal the person he is looking for, just as he is notified of an emergency shut down to his system. 

 

Kyungsoo opens his eyes to bright lights above his head. He tries to sit up, but he can't. He looks to his side and sees several machines and wires hanging from them. He looks down and sees the various wires connected to himself.

"Ah, you're up! You really gave me a scare, Kyungsoo. You've been out for a few hours," the figure says, dressed in a white coat, joining Kyungsoo's side.

"I'm sorry I showed up so suddenly..."

Kyungsoo was cut short as he felt a hand on his cheek, a bright light blinding his left eye. 

"That's quite alright. I told you to stop by anytime. I just wasn't expecting you to stop by in such dire conditions. Your heatsink stopped working and your CPU was nearly..." the figure stopped speaking, the light being turned off. "You're lucky to be speaking with me right now. Let's just put it like that."

Kyungsoo blinked, eyes focusing on the smiling face in front of him. Luhan.

"Are you okay, Kyungsoo? Are you under a lot of stress? I'll talk to Jongin about updating your hardware..."

"No, no. That won't be necessary," Kyungsoo cuts in, eyes falling.

"Okay. I won't then," Luhan replies, the smile returning to his face. "I'd really like to ask why you're here, but I was just about to head home..." the male trails off.

"Ah, okay. I can come back tomorrow..." Kyungsoo quickly says, eyes searching for his clothes.

"Oh, no, no. Obviously, you are here for a reason, so I'm not going to force you to return home. But... Would you like to come home with me? Or you can just stay here in my office too..." Luhan says, reassuring the male.

"I... Can I stay with you? Just for tonight?" Kyungsoo asks timidly, not quite sure if he wants to stay with him or not.

"Sure, I'd rather you do that than stay here, Kyungsoo," the male replies.

Kyungsoo watches as the man unplugs the wires from his body, and he takes the warm, soft hand stretched out for him, helping him safely get off of the hospital bed. 

 

"Welcome to my humble abode!" Luhan exclaims, signaling for Kyungsoo to enter the space. Kyungsoo looks around. The apartment is just as spacious as Jongin's, but colder, unlived in, lonely. There is a single couch, a television, and a few magazines scattered atop the glass coffee table.

"I can practically hear you judging my apartment," Luhan says, smiling at the smaller male.

Kyungsoo blushes from embarrassment. 

"Um, I'm not quite sure what you need. I do work in robotics, but I've never had an android stay over before. So, please forgive me," Luhan says, taking Kyungsoo's coat and bag.

"Don't mind me. We can talk in the morning. I'll just stay out here and wait. If you prefer, I can shut down for the night," Kyungsoo says to the taller male.

Kyungsoo doesn't need to eat, doesn't need to sleep, doesn't even need a blanket to cover himself with to combat the cold draft, and that kind of makes him sad but hopefully, after tomorrow, such thoughts won't bother him anymore.

"No, no, you do not have to shut down. Please, make yourself at home... Uh... Please, just make yourself comfortable, Kyungsoo."

Kyungsoo smiles at Luhan's obvious discomfort.

"Luhan?" Kyungsoo calls to the flustered male. 

"Yes, Kyungsoo? Is there anything I can do for you?" Luhan inquires, eyes a little too wide, smile a little too bright for Kyungsoo's liking.

Kyungsoo turns to Luhan, taking in his entire form. He steps forward, throwing his arms gently around the taller male, laying his head Luhan's shoulder. He feels Luhan stiffen, but he also hears a sigh leave his chest.

"Thank you," he speaks into the air. "Thank you for saving me."

"Uh... Em... You're welcome, Kyungsoo?" the male replies, clearly flustered, but he doesn't move away.

Kyungsoo removes his head from the male's shoulder, taking in the pinkish skin of his neck, the slight flush against his cheeks, and Kyungsoo does the unthinkable, he kisses Luhan on the lips, falling into the lie, into the fantasy. 

_So lonely trying to be yours_

Luhan presses back, relaxing into Kyungsoo's embrace. Kyungsoo deepens the kiss, needing more, wanting more, and Luhan gives in a little too easily, a little too effortlessly. Kyungsoo's hands tighten in Luhan's shirt as Luhan parts his lips for him, inviting him inside. And just as he loses himself inside of every book, every world, every character, Kyungsoo loses himself in Luhan's hot cavern, in the slick tongue caressing his, and he loses himself in the rapidly beating heart of the other male.

They stumble, or more like Luhan, stumbles down the hallway to his bedroom. Kyungsoo falls back onto the huge king size bed, missing Luhan's warmth already. He doesn't have to wait for long because Luhan's back, his hot flesh warming Kyungsoo's synthetic skin. Kyungsoo feels Luhan's need down to his core, and he allows Luhan to take what he wants, what he needs, hips grinding up to meet the other's, heads thrown back, heavy with lust. But when Kyungsoo opens his big dusky eyes, he sees something that intrudes on his fantasy, and he stills.

"I can't, Luhan. I'm sorry. I can't," he says, arms falling to his side.

He feels Luhan nuzzle against his neck, lukewarm wetness against his skin setting off sensors that lie just beneath the surface. 

"I know. I know...but can you still stay, can you sleep beside me tonight?" Luhan asks against Kyungsoo's now moist neck. Kyungsoo hesitates but eventually nods. And they lay there like that, Luhan's eyelashes fluttering against his skin and Kyungsoo's eyes trained on the high ceiling.

He saw the tie he had given Jongin during their first Christmas together hanging on the back of Luhan's closet door. Kyungsoo felt that familiar tug on the heart that hurts him so much, that he needs to stop. 

"He loves you so much, you know?" Luhan speaks out into the darkness.

Kyungsoo doesn't answer.  _If he loves me so much, why does he torture me like this? Why does he make me feel like this, do things like this?_ Kyungsoo's eyes are blurry again, so,he closes them. 

"I know you know. So, I'm not going to sugar coat anything. Yes, he comes to me sometimes, but he always goes back home to you. He even calls out your name when he comes deep inside of me. He says I kind of remind him of you..."

Kyungsoo feels the warm wetness against his neck again, and he almost invites the male to stand under his umbrella.

"I didn't care at first. I thought I could make him love me. I thought I could move inside his heart, casting you, an android, aside. But, there's no room for two..." the male trails off, kissing Kyungsoo softly on the neck.

"Instead of backing off, I just continued making advances, playing on his insecurities, manipulating his emotions. I mean, you're just an android. Just how attached could he be to you? An android can never return feelings of love."

**_I've got time, but you're tired of waiting_ **

Kyungsoo wants to cry as he hears the words, the truth and the lies, coming from Luhan's mouth. He tries to calm himself down, so he closes his eyes as the breath of the other man warms his skin.

"So I told him that. I told him that you could never love him the way he loves you, and you know what? He almost believed me. He almost loved me. But it's not all my fault either. He's lonely, Kyungsoo. So very lonely..."

Kyungsoo feels the other male shift, a soft hand coming to trace patterns and words over where his heart should be if he had a real one, a sniffle punctuating each stroke.

"And you... Kyungsoo. You're a really good actor. I guess, I should have expected as much coming from an android, but even though you fooled us all, you couldn't even fool yourself, hmm? Am I right?" 

Kyungsoo's insides start working a little harder. What is he talking about?

"It hurts, right? It hurts being lonely, doesn't it?  Isn't that why you came to my door? You're tired of loving when you shouldn't be? You're tired of giving when you shouldn't have anything to give?" the male says, a pause before he begins again.

I tried to save you, Kyungsoo..." Luhan adds, chuckling a little.

"When I ran that "hotfix" on you, you should have shut down, you shouldn't be here, shouldn't be here lying in my bed, shouldn't have been a few seconds away from being inside of me like Jongin usually is... but here you are..."

Kyungsoo wants to leave, to get up. He thinks maybe he shouldn't be here. He wants Jongin.

"I even contemplated trying again when you came to my office, but I ran a few tests on you, and then I knew for sure..." 

Kyungsoo jerked as he felt the warm hand caress his jaw, Luhan running pale fingers down his neck. 

"I knew that I couldn't kill you with rogue software, couldn't kill the feelings you have for Jongin nor the feelings that he has for you... and it's all so sad for me because I don't want to let go. But I know I have to, right? We all can't go on pretending forever, can we?" Luhan amuses, words softening. "I don't know how you do it, Kyungsoo. What are you, really? I saw things  in your system that I have never seen in any other android I've worked on or researched. What are you, Kyungsoo..." Luhan trails off, sleep taking over his emotionally exhausted form, the confessing of his sins relieving him of enough guilt to fall asleep, hand stilling on Kyungsoo's chest.

Kyungsoo peers down at the sleeping form.

I'm Jongin's. That's what I am.

 


	4. 100% Loaded

Kyungsoo watches the sun rise from outside the large window. He sees the sky turn from almost black, to dark blue, to golden, as if the clouds are being set on fire, to a dusky blue, to light blue, the color he associates with Jongin. He misses Jongin. Kyungsoo feels the male stir beside him, and he stares at Luhan, face relaxed. This might sound demented, but he has to thank Luhan. He has to thank him for bringing him back from the edge by pushing him toward it. He has to thank Luhan for bringing him and Jongin closer to each other by pulling them apart. He has Luhan to thank for putting them together by almost destroying them. 

It's funny how life works. Kyungsoo, an android, who isn't supposed to feel, isn't supposed to love, loves more purely and passionately than most humans, and felt punished by it, tortured because of it, but now, but now, he will try to embrace it.

"You stayed...," the male says, hands rubbing pale fingers over sleepy eyes.

"Yes. I promised I would stay," Kyungsoo replies, watching the male wake up.

It's fascinating to Kyungsoo to watch humans wake; it's amazing to see how they deal with having to wake up whether they want to or not. Although he doesn't know how, Kyungsoo knows he has the ability to shut himself down. If he wanted to learn, he could turn himself off and wait for someone to turn him back on. Humans do not have that choice. 

"I'm sorry, Kyungsoo," Luhan says, mouth trembling, fighting back the urge to cry, head buried deep in the crisp, white pillow. "I..." he tries, voice hoarse and cracked.

"No. Thank you, Luhan," Kyungsoo says, and he watches as the male breaks down beside him. Kyungsoo is jealous because he knows that Luhan will heal whether he wants to or not. If Kyungsoo breaks down, he has to rely on someone to fix him, to make sure he can turn back on. He strokes Luhan's hair.

There are pros and cons to being human. There are pros and cons to being an android too. Kyungsoo didn't need books to teach him that, life has taught him that, and Kyungsoo doesn't know if wants to be human anymore, he doesn't loath being an android so much anymore. He has come to accept that he is Kyungsoo, model 13192091. A human name followed by an android identification number, a mixture of two worlds, not entirely one or the other, and Kyungsoo is okay with that. He has to be to survive.

"Come on. I made you breakfast," Kyungsoo says to the broken male and for once, Kyungsoo is the one with eyes too wide, smile too bright.

 

"So, have you always felt emotions? I'm not just talking about sensory experiences, such as pain and pleasure. I'm talking about the complex things, such as jealousy, love, regret."

Kyungsoo thinks back. He wants to believe he had always felt these things, but that isn't true. There was a time when he was just an android. He'd respond, he'd react, but nothing beyond that. But then he remembers when everything changed, when he and Jongin became one, when he started living not because of all the chips, software, and gears that make him up, he started living because of Jongin, for Jongin.

"It's actually amazing. I've never seen anything like this before. I remember back in the early 2000's scientist would argue that robots would never achieve consciousness or be able to love in return, but Kyungsoo... You've proven them all wrong," the male says, staring at the computer screen which shows scrolling letters, numbers, and symbols of code that had appeared and evolved without any outside input.

"I don't even know what this is...  I mean, I guess these letters, and numbers, and symbols make up your consciousness, your ability to love....  It's amazing, Kyungsoo. You're amazing."

Kyungsoo is overwhelmed. He had never let Jongin tell him how he worked. He wanted to believe that he was just as human as any other person. He'd play doctor on himself, listening for a heartbeat, putting his hand to his neck and wrist, searching for a pulse. Whenever he went for examinations, he'd put himself into stand-by mode which allowed Jongin to work on him without Kyungsoo knowing what he was doing. So, Kyungsoo doesn't know the details of what he is, what he is not. He was always caught up in the bigger picture, in being human. But what makes humans humans? When aren't you considered human? Is it reason? Is it consciousness? Is it a soul? If you're lacking any of those, are you not human?

"I think the code evolved from the source code, but it is also just as likely that environmental influences plays a part in this," Luhan contiues, watching the symbols scroll on the screen.

"Why didn't Jongin find this?" Kyungsoo asks. "He created me, but why can't he see that I love him, that I'm not just mimicking behavior I've learned?" Kyungsoo adds, desperate for an explanation.

"Well, sometimes we see what we want to see after some time, not what is actually there. He's probably confident that he knows you inside and out and since he created you, he probably thinks you only change because he causes you to change."

"But..." Kyungsoo says, tears forming. He had hopes of Jongin stumbling upon his heart himself. He had fantasized about Jongin seeing him as more than an android too many times to count.

And so Kyungsoo also learned through books that fantasies aren't reality no matter how close to reality they seem.

"Sometimes you have to show us, Kyungsoo. We aren't as perfect as we pretend to be. Just because he hadn't found out... it doesn't mean he loves you any less. He'd love for you to share this with him. We're selfish,  knowing everything about our creations, never letting them have a secret or two to themselves. We're arrogant like that," Luhan says with a small laugh. "This can be your gift to him. Something no one else, nobody else has or can give him. Kyungsoo, you seriously don't know how one of a kind you are. Jongin and I have been in the robotics field for a long time; We are the best of the best, but I'm still in shock at seeing your system," the male says, placing a hand on Kyungsoo's knee. "Thank you, Kyungsoo. Thank you for opening yourself to me after everything...," Luhan trailed off, looking into Kyungsoo's eyes.

Kyungsoo is shocked. This is the first time someone has thanked him for allowing them to peak into his being, peer into his core. He's been on display so many times that he doesn't even think twice about baring his soul to the world. He puts a hand on top of Luhan's.

"But... you said that he's building another android," Kyungsoo says.   _Am I not... good enough anymore_ Kyungsoo thinks, eyes cast down.

"Actually... the android is for me..." Luhan adds with a blush. "I am looking to, in a way, settle down, and hearing all the stories about you... inspired me to build one of my own. I enlisted Jongin's help and seeing you, I know I couldn't have asked a better person."

Kyungsoo feels as if he is going to pass out from relief. He allows a tear to slip from his eye as he lays back against the bed.

"What's the matter, Kyungsoo?" the male asks, checking the screens for any changes to the android's system.

"I'm just so sorry to Jongin. I should have... I should have told him...but..." Kyungsoo bites back tears.

"No. You didn't do anything wrong. You're not supposed to be feeling these things... or I shouldn't say that. We didn't expect you to develop the ability to feel, to love, even though, ironically, we always hope and pray that you guys do," Luhan adds, voice soothing Kyungsoo.

"I came here wanting to forget it all, wanting to erase it all, but... Will it be okay to continue as I am?" Kyungsoo says, unsure of what to do, where to go.

"It's up to you, Kyungsoo. I know you've lived your entire existence up until now with other people making decisions for you, but I want to give you this option."

Kyungsoo doesn't want to forget anymore, he doesn't want to not feel anymore... Even though he hurts, even though he's been in pain these past six months, he wants to keep feeling that. He wants to stay turned on.

"I want to stay as I am," Kyungsoo says, dark eyes looking at Luhan.

"I know I don't have the right to say this, but I'm so glad to hear you say that, Kyungsoo," Luhan says, a bit shy, removing the wires from Kyungsoo's body.

Kyungsoo stands up from the bed, buttoning his shirt. 

 

"Well, Kyungsoo," Luhan says, eyes a little too wide, smile a little too bright, and Kyungsoo can't help it, but he kisses Luhan on the lips one, two, three times.  _One last time from me, and one more from Jongin, and one for you._

The taller male blushes. 

"Thank you, Luhan," Kyungsoo says, picking his bag up. He watched Luhan shuffle, mouth parted as if to ask him not to leave.

"If you asked me, I think an android would do you good. But, may I suggest you furnish the place a bit beforehand? I'm sure he or she would appreciate that," Kyungsoo says as he walks out of the apartment. He hears a chuckle and a soft, "that I will do" before the door shuts.

Kyungsoo decides to walk a bit before going back home. He doesn't know what to say, what to do. But then he remembers that he is Kyungsoo, and that he is Jongin's, and that's good enough for him. 

 

Kyungsoo walks into the apartment, into his world, and is startled when he feels arms wrap around his waist as he is hanging his coat up.

"Kyungsoo..." he hears against his neck, and it is the most beautiful sound he has ever heard. "Kyungsoo... You're back," the male says again, arms tightening around the android.

Kyungsoo turns around to see Jongin, eyes red, hair disheveled, clothes wrinkled. He has seen angry Jongin, tired Jongin, cute Jongin but never heartbroken Jongin, and Kyungsoo is so sorry. So very sorry.

He pulls the male into a kiss, crushing his lips up against the other male's warm ones, a gasp escaping his mouth as he is roughly pushed against the wall, back coming in contact with the hard surface, as Jongin devours his mouth. There's no time for foreplay as buttons come undone, falling to the floor, belts unlaced, zippers pulled down, a hot body pushed up against another much hotter one. Jongin roughly grinds up against Kyungsoo, hot and needy, and Kyungsoo pushes back just as roughly. Bodies meld into one another, and Kyungsoo is not sure where he ends and Jongin begins.

Kyungsoo pants against the white wall, fisting his throbbing member, his thighs trembling in anticipation, waiting for Jongin to return. He doesn't wait long because Jongin comes back, cock coated in lube, and  Kyungsoo wraps a lithe leg around Jongin's waist, mouth latching onto Jongin's neck, sucking greedily at the other male's pulse. He runs pale hands down Jongin's toned back, marking the expanse of skin in his wake.

Jongin enters roughly, pushing Kyungsoo further into the wall as his hips snap in and out, mouth biting at Kyungsoo's pale shoulder.  _Yes, make me yours_ Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut as he feels Jongin's cock make contact with that spot deep inside of him, system working over time to keep up with the pleasure that washes over him in waves, in waves of sky blue water.  _Yes,_   _turn me on_

And he holds on tight as he comes, lips searching for Jongin's, as he coats Jongin's stomach in pearlescent white, and he sees Jongin in the prettiest of blue when he opens his eyes. And he can't help but stare as Jongin thrusts into him, cocoa color eyes staring into Kyungsoo's dusky ones. And Kyungsoo thinks he can breathe when he feels Jongin come deep inside of him, when he hears Jongin whisper "mine" as he lets go, as he grabs onto Kyungsoo.

 

 

The sun is high in the sky by the time Jongin begins stirring, loss of sleep trying to keep him in dreamland. Kyungsoo stares at the empty plains of Jongin's skin, of his face, as if he hadn't memorized every dip and curve the first time he opened his eyes to the world.

"You're staring again," the sleepy man says, eyes still closed.

"I'm sorry. I can't help it. Maybe it's a glitch or something," Kyungsoo says, allowing himself to be pulled into the man beside him. 

"I guess it's glitch I don't mind then," Jongin replies sleepily, once again falling into dream land with Kyungsoo waiting on the other side. 

_How does it feel to have me thinking about you_

When he awakes again, Kyungsoo is sitting beside him reading a book, and he sets it down when Jongin opens his brown eyes, searching for Kyungsoo.

"I'm right here," Kyungsoo says with a smile.

 

 

"Where were you?" Jongin says over a cup of hot tea, Kyungsoo sitting opposite the marble counter in a metal chair. He doesn't seem angry, just curious, but Kyungsoo proceeds carefully anyway.

"I... I went to Luhan's."

"Is that so?"

"Yes... I..."

Kyungsoo doesn't know how to continue, how to tread so that he doesn't bruise them both. He went to Luhan for so many things, to erase himself, to taste what Jongin had been tasting for the past six months, he wanted to hurt, he wanted to heal, he wanted to do so many things.

"Before we continue talking, can I show you something?" Kyungsoo says, eyes raising from their downcast position.

"Ok," Jongin says, eyes trained on the smaller male.

"Can you get the equipment you use to analyze my system?"

Jongin comes back and carefully hooks Kyungsoo up at the table. This time, Kyungsoo does not go into standby mode, he watches as he sees each wire being hooked up, each button being pushed. He's not afraid of himself, he's not lying to himself anymore. He watches himself be turned on for the first time. Kyungsoo then initiates a program that he had Luhan write and install onto him the other day. The program begins to load exactly what Luhan saw earlier. 

"Kyungsoo? What are you doing? What is this...."

Jongin quiets as he sees the billions of letters, symbols, and numbers flood the screen. He watches in awe as they continue to scroll, multiply, transform, no two lines of code alike.

"That's me... That's you... That's us," Kyungsoo says, eyes on the screen as well. Seeing himself sincerely for the first time. "That's everything I've been thinking, everything that I've been feeling, everything that I've been trying to hide, to show you, to protect, to destroy. My world," Kyungsoo continues, watching as the green symbols, numbers, and letters form into a beating heart, pulsing on the black screen.

"Kyungsoo..." Jongin replies, face pale, lips parted, Adam's apple bobbing up and down. He turns to Kyungsoo, cocoa colored eyes mirroring the window from three months ago. "When... How... I..." Jongin tries over and over to say, to start, but he fails, eyes just looking, searching, for Kyungsoo's.

It's amazing how we live in a world where we can communicate with one another in the blink of the eye, with humans and androids alike, but words still manage to fail us, still manage to escape us, Kyungsoo muses.

Kyungsoo puts on a smile. "I may not be human, I now know that's impossible, but I think I'm becoming more like one, a little more like you. I was scared. I didn't know how to love because I never learned how, because I wasn't supposed to know how, but I loved anyway, and I continued loving even when you didn't love me back. I was also thrilled. Being human was what I always wanted because I've always wanted to be with you. But, the more human-like I became, the more apparent it became that I wasn't human. So close, yet so far away. I realized that you didn't love me in the same way back, you loved me like an android, not like a human being. And I became angry. How can an android love more than a human being? How can an android want to experience life more than a human being? How can an android hurt more than a human bei-..." Kyungsoo says, voice breaking as a tear runs down his face. "I was also hurt because of..." and Kyungsoo didn't have to finish that sentence because they both know. 

_Wishing the words were enough to consume you_

A hand comes to caress Kyungsoo's face, so many words forming and dying on Jongin's lips.

"I..."

Kyungsoo waits. 

_I have time_

"Where do I begin?" Jongin asks, eyes faltering.

_I have time_

"I had built you because I wanted someone to call my own, to have someone just for me. I wanted someone to love me, but I must have forgotten somewhere along the way that androids do not love, cannot love. So, I told myself not to fall for you. I tried not to fall in love with you, but I'm human, and we do a lot of things we say we won't do. So, when you asked me to make you human, my heart broke because deep down I wished for that too. I longed for you to be human, but I knew that was impossible. I knew that I could never give you the one thing you wished for. And that broke me. I tried desperately to research ways on how I could give you what you wanted, what we both wished and hoped for, but I...," Jongin faltered as Kyungsoo squeezed his hand.

"But I knew that it was nothing but a pipe dream. So, I talked myself out of love with you. I chalked up all your advances to the fantasies you see in books. I stopped looking for things I knew would never, could never, appear. I stopped looking at you in that way... I stopped looking at you because it hurt so much when I did. And then Luhan came, and he wanted help on a new android. And even though I promised to never build another, I wanted to try, wanted to see if I could create something a little more human and use the research for you... to give to you... but then I started looking for you in Luhan; I started loving you in Luhan.  And I rationalized it all because you are an android, because you can't love for real; you can't be hurt for real. I know that it's messed up, and I'm so sorry to the both of you."

Kyungsoo comforts Jongin, moving a hand to his cheek, a small smile to the face.  _We were all just lonely, and loneliness of the heart is the hardest to cure._

"I should have known, Kyungsoo. I should have known that you loved me, but I couldn't help but think that I had failed you, and I was ashamed that I brought you to life. I created you, but I couldn't satisfy you. So, I guess, in a way, brainwashed myself. I, in a way, became more like the androids I researched. I turned off my heart, turned off my heart to you. And for that I am sorry," Jongin says, as Kyungsoo pulled Jongin's hand down to his chest.

"My system, my heart, me... we only see you, Jongin. Even if we wanted to, we can't unsee, unlove, you," Kyungsoo says, relieved that he can share this with the other man.  _Thank you for turning me on_

"I'm so sorry that I didn't see you, Kyungsoo. I know that must have been really hard for you, and I should have been right here beside you."

Kyungsoo brings his lips to the other male's, the coded symbols on the screen dispersing to create the most beautiful whirlwind of symbols, mimicking the fluttering of Kyungsoo's heart.

"You're here now, and that is all that matters," he says against Jongin's mouth.  "I don't know what's going to happen from here on, with me, with you, with my system, but I love you now, and I will continue to love you for as long as I can, as long as I am turned on, as long as you keep turning me on."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! It's not much and very cheesy, but I hope you enjoyed reading it even a little.


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